COVID CHRONICLES Day 24
The Cranky Pants Are On
Monday, April 13
I consider myself to be a generally upbeat and optimistic person. I practice living in gratitude, compassion and acceptance. Throughout this ordeal, I think we’ve made the very best of the situation.
But, like everyone else, I have my dark days too. And days in which I have a harder time of rolling with things than others.
Today is one of those days. I’m cranky.
Lisa had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I like to say that I learned how to “sleep in the middle of a busy intersection” during high school when I was especially exhausted during swim season. So, I’m usually able to sleep right through. But last night my sleep was interrupted too. I didn’t fall asleep until 4am. I was supposed to be up in time for an 11am meeting but pushed it back before falling asleep.
I woke up seven hours later, which for some people would be good. But I need eight or more hours to feel good and the quality of the sleep still wasn’t great. So, it was pretty much going to be a challenging day at best from the start. Lisa got a couple of hours more sleep but was in a similar place. These personal spaces don’t tend to mix well…
In addition, the pollen has been terrible. There must be something night-blooming on or bordering our property. Because we’ve been able to start setting our clocks by the time we both start sneezing and coughing when the windows are open. This is especially disconcerting to Lisa given her chest tightness from the virus. But there is so clearly cause and effect here, confirmed by what’s happening to me at the same time.
Lack of sleep is one thing that makes me cranky. Allergies are another. A third is crashing blood sugar. Lisa has helped me anticipate and recognize this, so it’s less of a problem than it used to be. In all cases, I become short-tempered and edgy. I turn sarcastic and snarky. My patience disappears.
Anyway, I spent maybe 800 words here describing my frustrations and blowing off steam. I tried to make it funny. I wanted to show that all is not always fun and games. It felt good to vent. But it was also uncomfortable. When Lisa read it, she was honest in pointing out that it could be perceived as hurtful.
And she was right. It was all very petty, and not funny at all. So I deleted it and started again.
This is what happens when I let the “small stuff” get to me. This is what happens when I’m insufficiently grounded. This is what happens when, instead of focusing on all I have to be grateful for, I see the glass as half empty. This is what happens when I sit in judgment instead of compassion.
I share this with you not to publicly self-flagellate. One of my greatest lessons has been to accept my humanity and that I’m not perfect. And I’ve done pretty well for being in captivity for 35 days.
I share this with you as a reminder of how easy it is to slip into old habits and old ways of being. When we’re under stress — for whatever reason — we tend to go toward “back-up behavior.” Those are the tried and true behaviors that stem from our childhoods and families of origin that no longer serve us but take over when we’re not being mindful.
So.
Instead of complaining about how wearing a mask steams up my glasses — which broke for the third time — and how weird it is wearing medical gloves everywhere, I’m grateful that I have access to the supplies that can keep other people safe and that I have access to eye care.
Instead of lampooning Instacart’s Whack-a-Mole experience for shoppers or the nine boxes of pasta the shopper tried to give us when we wanted none, I’m grateful such a thing as Instacart exists and that there are shoppers bringing us food while we are quarantined.
Instead of being frustrated by the times that something didn’t arrive or leave in a certain amount of time, or other things that have fallen through the cracks, I’m grateful for the vast majority of times that things have gone like clockwork.
And finally, instead of being angry at the ignorance and incompetence of so many people — particularly certain leaders — I’m grateful for all the leaders who are shining the way, the heroes on the front lines and all those sacrificing for the common good.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still cranky. I just stopped letting it ruin my day. Or anyone else’s.
